Just Now

This is such a weird time in our lives. OK, here it is--my first spilling post. Prepare for a lot of random thoughts (not all positive) coming your way!

Jesse's been appyling to grad school. He was considering joining the airforce, but we really didn't feel right about it. A lot of the "perks" were very money- and insurance-related, and that's just not what we wanted to base our life direction on. I've been wondering if I should go back to school as well. The trouble is, I would just be killing time and racking up debt.

Jesse's going to be a wonderful teacher! I'm so glad we're going the right direction, but from this end of the road, it seems like such a long ways to go. 5-7 more years of being poor, baby-less students. But in the end, I know a lot of lives will be touched by Jesse's gift for teaching and connecting with young people.

(These blogs sometimes feel so selfish. But anyway, back to me...) This leaves me feeling a little lost. At my interview with Maurices last week, they asked me about my ultimate career goals. Of course, I gave the usual response of, "well, I'd love to write children's books, but that will, of course, be a side hobby, and I know I'll be here for at least a year and..." on and on. While the whole time, I was screaming inside my head, "Of course I don't want a career! I want to be a mom!" So what do I do for the next 5-7 years? Or longer, who knows? When I stop and think, I know what the answer should be. I should do those things I talk about. Write a children's book, or something. But it's hard to take pleasure in the things you're using to replace your real loves. Anway, I did get that job at Maurices, and who doesn't love 40% discounts on clothes? They seem like very nice people, too, so that's hopeful.

I think I'd feel much sunnier about things if we had some good friends here in good ol' Spokane. Jesse's family is wonderful, and we live near some great extended family, also. Our ward is full of very active, helpful people. We're very blessed right now, and we feel very taken care of. However, we're having a hard time connecting with people right now. We don't know any couples without kids. Our ward is made up of very nice, very well-off, mature families. Just like in our last three wards, we are the only childless couple. Jesse thinks (and is right, by the way) that I'm projecting, but sometimes I feel like we're not seen as a legitimate family. At least when we were in Rexburg, we could hang out with our amazing single friends and hide from all the couples with little babies.

Oh well, there are good days and bad days, right? And tomorrow will be a good day. I'll start work, and that'll give me a sense of accomplishment. For now, I guess I'm glad not many people know about this blog yet! As it is, it's probably a little too personal, and not very exciting.

To close on a positive note (if I'm gonna be personal), I want to share a little piece of my testimony. I had a really down month. I almost felt foggy all the time, and very confused about why we're here. And although I continued going to the temple, reading my scriptures, and teaching my little Beehive girls, I felt like I wasn't being comforted. I finally had a mini-breakdown (ok, maxi), and only after did I realize how wrong I'd been. I'd allowed my emotions complete control and had consequently given up some of my agency. Serious mists of darkness! But as soon as I realized this, I knew that keeping the commandments had protected me and eventually brought me around. I love this Gospel, and I know it brings joy and protection to our lives!

Here's to good days to come.